Ruminations on Friends

I'm finding stability again, although I still have work to do. Honestly, steady work would actually be a great help (and a great improvement) over the swing shifts I have been working the last month and a half. A third-shift sleep schedule is not conducive to working weekend mornings--just saying.

Just did my yearly culling of Facebook friends, and found some small satisfaction that very few people were cut. Tells me that my personal web is more secure, and that I am getting to the point of really defining what "friend" means in this new digital era of constant information exchange. Sure, I have separate settings for people I don't feel like sharing everything with, but it isn't quite the same, is it? Perhaps it is in controlling people's ability to Facebook-stalk me, or perhaps just me being older than my skin and wanting my digital definition of the word "friend" to be a little more representative of the old-fashioned and real-world definition.

I'm still at a loss for what to do on the female front. The male in me yearns for its counterpart, that delicate dance of service and protection and love that makes my blood sing. The pragmatist in me reminds me that Eau Claire is just a step; if I want to actually make a decent living and a decent wage I need to accept that I will be moving sooner rather than later to a city that realistically will not be nearby, which would put incredible strain on a relationship should I choose to start one. Which of course leaves only the romantic, the dreamer, the idealist. I keep putting off registering on eHarmony or another online-dating site. Fear of... fear of hope, I suppose. Part of me as yet does not want to believe that there is a woman--dare I say a Queen--out there that I am worthy of being bound to romantically, despite the claims of some of my female friends that I am a good man who deserves an equally good woman. Maybe I still need some more healing.

I think I figured out why I've been in this strange on-and-off again funk since the news of Elaniah's engagement. I have become more cynical and I do not know if I like it. Regardless, I know one thing is true--I don't believe in happily ever after.

A Month of Loss

May 2010. I lost three dear friends this month, all female, through events beyond my control. Well, I suppose that last bit might not be exactly right; on some level, however small, I believe we all have control over the events taking place around us. Our actions might not change the course of those events, but they can change how those events affect us.

I lost Elaniah on the first of May. From what she told me her boyfriend is threatened by me--he is fearful that I will steal her away from him, or that she will leave him for me once again. The very fact that she was still communicating with me did not sit well with him, and my logical assumption was that he issued an ultimatum. Knowing her as I do, Elaniah agreed to the terms: cease all communication with me. She is also incredibly tactful and caring, and brought me the news as best as it could have been.

I told her some months prior, when she was contemplating the very real issues of going to live with him for the summer, that if she truly loves him and believes that she can be happy with him to do whatever was necessary--even if that meant forsaking me and he other friends. Those words were echoing in my head when she told me that I would not be hearing from her for an indefinite period of time and that I was not to contact her. Even as my heart broke anew, I was hopeful. I meant what I told her--what I had told her years ago when we were dating--that as much as it would hurt and tear me apart, I would always be happy knowing that she had found happiness, even if that meant in the arms of another.

I did a tarot reading during the past month to try and divine how this particular loss will play out. I remain both fearful and hopeful. I am fearful because the cards (in no uncertain terms) said that one of her relationships will come to an end, but that she will be happy for the change--whatever it may be. I don't put much faith in my divination abilities, as I have told some, but I am suspicious enough not to ignore a reading within the very real realm of possibility.

One week later to the day I lost Kitty, although I did not learn of this fact until some four or five days later. This was a very real loss--she had suffered a pulmonary embolism and was dead. I was very much lost when I learned the news. In the space of a fortnight I had lost two of the people who knew be best in the world. The only thing that made it hit home even more was that I had spoken with her just days before the event and told her that I had finally booked my trip to Portland to look for jobs and finally meet her in person. Even now, as I type this, I am kicking myself for not sucking up the financial burden and flying out there last year when I had the chance. As people much older than myself say... hindsight is 20/20.

I am not entirely certain where or when I lost Khasa, but after the last week I know that I have lost her as well. Where once was caring, simple courtesy, and health is now indifference and self-destruction. The very same kinds of behavior that I was chastised for while we were dating, she now does herself with no concern. She even went so far tonight as to tell me that she didn't feel any self-worth unless she was constantly doing something. Simply put, she is working and busying herself to death. Calling her sleep deprived would be a gross understatement--I do not believe she has had a full eight-hour night's sleep in at least a week, very likely much longer than that.

I cannot watch her do this spiral any longer, which is only amplified by her varying levels of depression caused by her job and her sense of lack of direction for her life. I know that in all likelihood regardless of my course of action, there is the very real near-certainty that I shall never hear from her again after we part ways this summer. At that point I will have effectively lost the last seven years of my life--I will be back in 2003. A little older, a little wiser perhaps along with a healthy dose of cynicism and maybe even a little jaded... but I will have truly lost the three women who knew me best in this world, and made me a better man than I once was.

Another rough day. As long as I can keep myself keeping, do something to keep my thoughts focused I manage just fine. An observer probably would not even postulate that anything was wrong. It is in the moments without focus, however--those moments where you normally go to gather your thoughts or think whimsically about something in the future or nostalgic about the past--those moments are gut-wrenching.

I cannot help but think about what I am losing, even if [gods willing] only temporarily. I also cannot shake the feeling that something is wrong. Yet there is nothing I can do; at least not yet. On the new moon I shall deal the cards and see if they have any answers. Knowing my skill with divination probably not, but it certainly can't hurt to try.

One thing is for certain, whatever the final outcome of these days/weeks/months: I will not be able to forgive him.

Beneath the facade wooden supports decay and are slowly replaced by stone. Passersby comment on how nice the place looks--a well-maintained veneer built up through necessity and boredom. They cannot see the inner sanctum; once warm and welcoming like a a country hearth now has become cold and dispassionate. "Congrats!" and "Good job!" and "Keep up the good work!"