May 2010. I lost three dear friends this month, all female, through events beyond my control. Well, I suppose that last bit might not be exactly right; on some level, however small, I believe we all have control over the events taking place around us. Our actions might not change the course of those events, but they can change how those events affect us.
I lost Elaniah on the first of May. From what she told me her boyfriend is threatened by me--he is fearful that I will steal her away from him, or that she will leave him for me once again. The very fact that she was still communicating with me did not sit well with him, and my logical assumption was that he issued an ultimatum. Knowing her as I do, Elaniah agreed to the terms: cease all communication with me. She is also incredibly tactful and caring, and brought me the news as best as it could have been.
I told her some months prior, when she was contemplating the very real issues of going to live with him for the summer, that if she truly loves him and believes that she can be happy with him to do whatever was necessary--even if that meant forsaking me and he other friends. Those words were echoing in my head when she told me that I would not be hearing from her for an indefinite period of time and that I was not to contact her. Even as my heart broke anew, I was hopeful. I meant what I told her--what I had told her years ago when we were dating--that as much as it would hurt and tear me apart, I would always be happy knowing that she had found happiness, even if that meant in the arms of another.
I did a tarot reading during the past month to try and divine how this particular loss will play out. I remain both fearful and hopeful. I am fearful because the cards (in no uncertain terms) said that one of her relationships will come to an end, but that she will be happy for the change--whatever it may be. I don't put much faith in my divination abilities, as I have told some, but I am suspicious enough not to ignore a reading within the very real realm of possibility.
One week later to the day I lost Kitty, although I did not learn of this fact until some four or five days later. This was a very real loss--she had suffered a pulmonary embolism and was dead. I was very much lost when I learned the news. In the space of a fortnight I had lost two of the people who knew be best in the world. The only thing that made it hit home even more was that I had spoken with her just days before the event and told her that I had finally booked my trip to Portland to look for jobs and finally meet her in person. Even now, as I type this, I am kicking myself for not sucking up the financial burden and flying out there last year when I had the chance. As people much older than myself say... hindsight is 20/20.
I am not entirely certain where or when I lost Khasa, but after the last week I know that I have lost her as well. Where once was caring, simple courtesy, and health is now indifference and self-destruction. The very same kinds of behavior that I was chastised for while we were dating, she now does herself with no concern. She even went so far tonight as to tell me that she didn't feel any self-worth unless she was constantly doing something. Simply put, she is working and busying herself to death. Calling her sleep deprived would be a gross understatement--I do not believe she has had a full eight-hour night's sleep in at least a week, very likely much longer than that.
I cannot watch her do this spiral any longer, which is only amplified by her varying levels of depression caused by her job and her sense of lack of direction for her life. I know that in all likelihood regardless of my course of action, there is the very real near-certainty that I shall never hear from her again after we part ways this summer. At that point I will have effectively lost the last seven years of my life--I will be back in 2003. A little older, a little wiser perhaps along with a healthy dose of cynicism and maybe even a little jaded... but I will have truly lost the three women who knew me best in this world, and made me a better man than I once was.
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