Update and Heartache

I just rolled into Wisconsin Rapids about 10 minutes ago. For those of you not on Central time, it's about midnight right now. I'm tired, but the heartache I have isn't going to let me go to bed. So I'm going to update my select few readers on my fucked up and poor excuse for a life and just cry my heart out a little bit.

My last post of any real substance was two months ago. *Sigh* Well, shortly after that Tina and I did some talking, and it was more or less established that the odds of us being together romantically when she got back from Scotland were slim to none. Which was fine, I guess, at the time because I had been making more friends around campus and I figured we'd still be able to hang out as friends when she got back. Then there was the joy that is the last month of the semester, which is absolute hell--especially when you have a class that you need to graduate and you're not sure if you're even going to pass it or not. Plus tons of essays for other classes. Lots and lots of stress. My apologies for anybody that tried to get ahold of me via IM during those last few weeks (I was "Away" just about 24/7). On top of that I had to be completely moved out of my apartment the day after finals. So after finals I spent the next week with my uncle about an hour north of Eau Claire. Since then (approximately May 27-ish) I've gotten the vast majority of my stuff moved into my apartment, save a few odds and ends. But, since I left my old apartment I have been without a home internet, therefore no IM for Matt until he gets that resolved.

... Right now I'm really just hating life. I'm depressed as hell and I really shouldn't be. I'm dating a girl that loves me (and whom I love)... I even have another friend that I know wants to date me... but every day I get the feeling that the one woman I want to be with wants nothing to do with me anymore. And it breaks my heart. Even though we never officially dated, whenever I was with her I felt something I just haven't felt with Jessi. *Sigh* I just don't understand anything anymore... my own heart, who I have always listened to, no longer has any answers. Not to be melodramatic, but I honestly think that a part of me has died.