Sometimes I wonder if my view of friends is slightly skewed and/or distorted. Do I value my friends that much more highly than most? Maybe I'm just not as close to someone as I thought. I thought we were very close--we hung out a lot, we've even got a picture or two of us together. Yet upon checking out this person's photo album on Facebook, I see plenty of pictures of herself and other people, yet not a one of myself. Yes, I know it's only a little thing. But it's one of many little things, and little things add up.

08 Nov 2005 Update

Well I think it's pretty safe to say that yes, I will be single for a while. At least as far as I can tell, I don't think there are any ladies out there with any romantic interest in me, and I'm not feeling a strong pull towards anyone right now. Okay, I am feeling a strong pull, but one of those ladies isn't interested in me romantically, and I have agreed with the other not to do the long distance relationship thing again. So barring those two people, I'm not feeling a strong romantic pull towards anyone. But hey, I am no seer so that could change. In other news I've been looking into a single apartment for next year. Just a place that I can call my own, but big enough that I could possibly share it with another person if need be. The one that I really have my eyes on right now is about $430/month plus electricity. It doesn't have cable, but right now I don't see that as a big problem since I don't watch much television anyways. I'm going to follow up with the landlord on this one later this week and see if he would be willing to come down a little bit on the rent, and also to see if the range and furnace are electric or gas. Speaking of money, I'm also looking at getting another part-time job. Because let's face it, right now I'm getting paid $6.50/hour at Wilson's, which will probably increase after Christmas--and I plan at staying at Wilson's for a while. In comparison, right now I only get paid $5.75/hour and $5.80/hour for working the front desk and security in Towers, respectively. Now the front desk I can keep doing because those are 3 hour shifts that I can likely work into my class schedule; however, the security shifts are really just not worth my time when I live off-campus. So... I'm looking for another part-time job. With any luck, I'll be able to pick up a job at a movie theater to fuel my need to see movies. The other main reason for another part-time job/replacement job is because I'm having trouble keeping up with my bills right now, and I hate having to sponge off of my parents for money. Granted, they take care of my rent for me, but I still have to cover the utilities not in escrow, a car payment, a cell phone bill, gas, food, basically everything else. I mean, payday was this last Friday, and we'll say that I made about $200 (rounding down for simplicity). I had a car payment ($100), the utilities ($50), and food to buy so I can eat ($50). Entire paycheck--gone. So I had to call Mom today and ask her to put like $20 in my checking account so I can put gas in my car. ~*Sigh*~ And speaking of my checking account, I need to call my bank tomorrow because they billed me the $10 fee for a new debit card (mine got eaten). Well I got a slip in the mail with my new PIN... but no debit card. So they need to send me another one---and if they charge me another $10 I'm going to kick some ass. But I think this post is long enough already, so we'll end it on that ass-kicking note.

This might turn into a rant, so bear with me if it does. In ages past, giving a person your word was like an iron-clad contract. You did not go back on your word or do other than what you say you would, lest your honour, your name, and your trustworthiness be tainted. I think many people in the 21st Century have lost that. I am not one of those people. My word is my bond. I have no great possessions with which to demonstrate the measure of my character, nor do I have great power to influence the way people think about me. All I have is my words and my actions. If I say something in all seriousness, I mean it. If I make plans, I intend to keep them. The only exceptions are extreme, and even at those times I am hesitant to go back on my word. I consider myself a very responsible and trustworthy person because when I make plans, I keep them; when I say I will do something, I do it. Knowing this, how do you think I feel when somebody goes back on their word, that they personally gave me? Or when I have made plans with some one, and they back out at the last minute?

Untimely Inspiration

There are times in life when someone close to us comes to an untimely end. Vehicular accidents, natural phenomenon, and many others lead to the deaths of countless people every year. Mourning is a natural thing, and something that is almost required for a human to stay sane. But in times when people we care about are taken from us without warning, we must also feel inspired. We must let their passing inspire us to live each day to the fullest; to live our lives free of regret. Because the truth of the matter is that we could die at any moment.

Even rocks need support

Everybody needs somebody to fall back on in hard times. Because everybody has times in life when there is just too much going on... when there is just too much pain... or when you just feel lost. I know that for many people, I am that person. I am the rock that supports them in their time of need, their light when they are lost in the dark. It's an amazing feeling, what you get when you help someone, truly help someone and know that they are sincerely thankful. ...But I am not an exception to this rule. Even myself, whether known as Matthew, Maverick, or Lord Aerthos... even I sometimes need a person(s) to fall back on. To that end, I want to privately thank two people, two dear friends that may or may not ever read this. They have always been there for me, as long as I've known them, and I may never be able to truly repay them. Amanda Walker & Jessica Moebius, I love you both and treasure you among the many souls I have had the honour of encountering in this lifetime.

"...it means to take responsibility for everything you do, everything you say..." The man's a magnificent actor and he does his research. May the Gods smile upon Tom Cruise until the end of his days.

I begin to wonder if I have drunk too deeply from the cup of love. I have felt something that not even everybody gets to experience in a single lifetime... and I desire to feel it once again. I am at a loss for words to describe exactly what I'm feeling right now. I can only hope that one day, years down the road when I am happily married with a wife and some children that I may look back and say that I learned something from all of this. That the emotional pain and loneliness had a purpose, that what I am going through right now is merely part of a larger lesson for my eternal soul. I can only hope...

GREEN DAY!!!

Okay, so I went to a Green Day concert Monday night, and it was the best concert IN THE WORLD!!! My good friend Claire had tickets and invited me to join her, and I'm so amazingly thankful that she did. Me and Claire got down to the concert about three hours before the doors opened, so we sat in the car for a good hour or two just listening to music. When we finally got inside, we both took places on the floor because we all know that the best place to enjoy a rock (or punk rock) concert is on the floor, right kids? And speaking of kids, as people are funneling into the arena, Claire and I notice that we are horribly outnumbered--the vast majority of people at the concert are high schoolers. This will come into play shortly. My Chemical Romance opened for Green Day. As soon as they took the stage everybody on the floor rushed towards the stage barriers. Unfortunately, the large number of juveniles made the floor/mosh pit suck because there was lots of pointless pushing/shoving/leaning causing people to fall over and other not-so-fun stuff. My Chemical Romance started at about 7PM and played for about 45 minutes. I've personally never heard any of their material, but some friends of mine like them. I would have enjoyed them more if I could have heard what they were singing, but some teenage girls near me who obviously knew them made sure that I had a hard enough time trying to decypher what they were singing. By the time Green Day came onstage Claire and I had made out way up to within about 20 feet of the stage barrier. They opened with American Idiot and started playing through their most recent album track by track. Unfortunately we had to surf Claire out of the pit before Jesus of Suburbia because she was getting squished real bad and we didn't want her asthma acting up. I left the pit shortly after Jesus of Suburbia to get myself a drink. There was A TON of audience participation, and the amazing stage presence of Green Day only made it bigger. After the third or fourth song Billy Joe pulled out a super soaker and started squirting the mosh pit---then he grabbed a kid out of the pit, pulled him on stage, and let the kid go nuts with the squirt gun. WILD! But it gets better. I believe it was during Longview, but three guys got to go onstage and play Trey's drumset, Mike's bass, and Billy Joe's guitar! After that short little shin-dig, Billy Joe told the kid playing guitar that HE COULD KEEP THE GUITAR!!!!!! Talk about a fucking souvenir, right??? The age of the crowd really shone through when the band started playing some of their older stuff off of Dookie and Nimrod--the crowd singing died down because the young 'uns didn't know the lyrics, and all us older folk were singing and rocking out like mad. It was great. They did covers of Shout and We Are The Champions; excellent covers. They came out and did an encore (or was it three? They played like 5-6 songs after we brought them back out, so who knows?). The concert ended with Billy Joe doing Time of Your Life solo. Amazing. There really aren't enough positive adjectives in the English language to come close to describing how mind-blowing, amazing, excellent, righteous, gnarly, and kick-ass this concert was. My sympathy to all of you who couldn't or won't be able to see these guys in concert.

Myself - praised and chided

*Hums the Hymn of the Fayth* Some people praise me for being very cool-headed, patient, and relaxed about so much in life. I must be honest in that I have not always been this way, that my experiences and my pursuit of an ideal has helped me to forge and temper myself into the individual that you see before you. I am cool-headed because I have learned that it is much harder to think rationally when you are lost in the moment, and then you can do things that you will regret later. I am patient because I have learned that sometimes all you have to do to solve a problem is give it time. I am relaxed because I have come to understand that very few things in life are worth getting worked up over. In contrast I have had some people see me as a person without passions, that nothing gets my spark going, that to make me act on impulse requires too much work. For these people I feel pity. My passions are very strong, and my true friends know this without a doubt. They also know that I can become enraged, and for the sake of us all it is not something that happens often. And while people may not think that I act on impulse, I can assure you that I do, and that I do so as often as I think things through. Your "gut feeling", your instincts... this is the voice of your soul talking to you, and when your soul has lived as mine has, you know that your soul will not lead you astray.

expectation: wishing with confidence of fulfillment

It is hard to concentrate on the present when you have so much to look forward to. Three weeks remain for me to wallow in the splendor of the Faerie land, yet I desire none; I desire to cross the icy depths to earthen soil more familiar to my touch, to view what mine eyes hath not seen in what has felt a lifetime. Like the Phoenix, new expectations rise from the ashes of the old, yet with a near-identical insistency.

The wind whistles gently past the ear of the silent observer as he looks over the scorched fields. The ashes of the past waft softly in the air, gently brushing his cheek. Memories flow and a cheek nuzzles into the ash, a longing for what he fears may never be his to enjoy once more. Like farmers of old he knows the fields are ripe for sowing, if only one may come with crops to sow. A raven turns and takes to flight... and he stands at the fertile fields no more.

A Moment

Today has been a rather laid-back, cloudy day in Scotland. One of those days where you do a lot of thinking. I am sure that everybody who will be reading this already knows what I'm about to say, but I will say it anyways for the random person who might not know me so well. I have never been a supporter of the United States' involvement in the Middle East.... but I do not disregard those who have, who are currently, and those who have not yet given their lives in the name of their country that they love so much. I want every single person who is reading this to take a moment, just a moment, to think about these men and women. They will never see their families or loved ones again; they will not return home to live to see old age; they will not experience anymore of life's joys. ...Just a moment, for all those who will not be returning home.

I've decided that I really want to commission a work by Luis Royo. Going to check into how much it would cost later this afternoon. I'm a big fan of his work; he's an amazing artist with a wonderful attention to detail. It'll probably cost a couple thousand dollars I'm guessing because he is a famous fantasy artist and I'm sure his talent is in high demand. Just means that I'll have to save up the money until I can afford to commission what I want.

You're too young. I'll let you just think about those three words and the effect they have on you.

I watched Sixth Sense for the first time this afternoon. Not a bad movie, but I wanted to talk about the end of the movie. Bruce Willis bends down over his sleeping wife and tells her, "You were never second." Very powerful words that I could relate to. The other night I had one of my friends ask me how I was doing since my beloved left me, and was surprised at how quickly I have gotten through the initial depression. After watching the Sixth Sense I think I can explain why. Elaniah was always first in my life. I put my relationship with her above my job, my schoolwork... everything. I did that because I feel that is what should be done in a relationship, especially when you feel as strongly for your partner as I felt for her. Remembering the conversation I had on the phone with her that night, I knew that I was no longer first in her life... I don't even know if I was in the top five, or if I had ever truly been first in her life. I think subconsciously I knew this, especially through the conversations we had since I had been in Scotland, and knowing this made getting through the initial depression easier. Our priorities on the relationship just didn't match anymore... Elaniah D. V. Caster, I don't know if you will ever read this, and I don't know where you are right now. You were always first in my heart, in my thoughts, and in my life. May the Lord and the Lady always protect you, and may the man you choose to spend your life with give you all the love and devotion I was willing to give you.

Impromptu II: Water

Drip drip drip Dripping down the drain My flesh bunches together Soaking in the heat through my neck My bare feet hold firm on the wet tile floor Fish swim as easily as Man walks through the air They live in their element, me in mine The element of life unchanging Throughout time Colours of white, blue, and green Water comes in many colors you have seen; Hot and cold and everything in between, Solid or insubstantial, it's always there Without it, we wouldn't be here.

I have a book of daily meditations entitled The Celtic Spirit, by Caitlin Matthews. I found today's exerpt rather appropriate to my life and life in general, so I am posting it here: The Scots folk story The Black Bull of Norroway tells of a young woman who goes to a seer to get knowledge of her future love. Her future husband comes to her in the enchanted shape of a black bull. They become separated, and the woman has to suffer many trials to find and win him again: she must climb a hill of glass with shoes of iron, apprenticing herself to a smith for seven years to make them, and in the end must wash her lover's bloody shirt to disenchant him. This story is nothing less than a tale about the apprenticeship we each serve to love. Although it is told about a woman's love-quest, it would apply equally to that of a man. The first stages of love are often as uncertain and headlong as the heroine's flight on the bull's back: neither partner is sure of the other, and there are many unrealistic expectations on both sides. Love may not be equal at the beginning, so one partner may need to be patient while the other discovers a similar depth of affection. The ability to be constant, consistent, and reliable is one learned over a long period; during this period, many relationships falter or come to grief. The glassy hill of love represents a great challenge to the faithful lover. The spiked shoes of iron are not made overnight. And many a shirtful of wounds may have to be laundered before old loves and hates learned in past relationships are leached out of the present one. Constancy, perseverance, and patience are the skills we learn in the apprenticeship of love. Meditate upon your own apprenticeship to love. Where has your story got to? Which qualities need more development? I hope that in reading this you reflect on your story, as I did this morning. Think about your story... if only for a minute.

"Dust in the Wind"

**Song by Kansas, lyrics coutesy of lyrics.com** I close my eyes, only for a moment, then the moment's gone All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity Dust in the wind... all they are is dust in the wind... Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see Dust in the wind... all we are is dust in the wind... Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy Dust in the wind... all we are is dust in the wind...

"How do you pick up the pieces of a broken life? There are some hurts that go too deep, some wounds that time cannot mend. And then you begin to realize... there is no going back." -Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings It is not within the power given to Man to change the past. He walks the path of life, and his experiences forever change him. Along that road, he will cause others pain, and in return he will experience pain. Some wounds will be so painful that he will pause in the walk of his life, and ponder over whether he is better off giving in to despair or forcing himself onward, with only a faint hope that there will be good times in store for him down the road. In life we will all experience great pains, but we will also experience great joy. It is because of those times of great joy that we must struggle through the pain, even if it is the kind of pain that makes us want to curl up and die. Even if your heart is crushed into more pieces than you care to count, or if the despair over the loss of a loved one shakes your soul, we must struggle on. Because as dark as the tunnel of our lives may seem, we need to have the courage and the faith that there will be light again, that there will yet be times of great joy for us, even if we cannot see them from where we stand. Because there is always hope, if only the faintest glimmer... and you have to cling to that hope with all of your being.

Love

Love will give you greater joy than anything in the world Love will make you beg for death Love will brings tears of joys to your eyes Love will cause you to weep until you can weep no more Love will turn the wise man into a fool Love will not be bound by geography Love will survive through difficulty Love will make the rational person irrational Love will never truly be expressed in words Love is the reason we live

*Sigh* It is really something to spend so many years of one's life dreaming about going to a place, and then one day wake up realizing that you're actually there. That happened to me a little while back. For years I wanted to go to Scotland, to see the rolling hills, and feel that magic that Hollywood attempts to portray on the "silver" screen. As I began to pull away from the Catholic faith my desire to go increased, reaching a climax when I decided to pursue a Pagan path. Then one day I woke up. I pulled back the curtain in my room and looked over the wood surrounding that side of the palace as sunlight shot into the room. I went for a walk that day in the woods, and if you have never been to Scotland, you truly have to come. There is just something magickal about this land that you can never really describe in words. Yes as magickal as this place is and as much as I enjoy being here, I understand that there is something missing. I have always sought distance from my family, that is no lie. But I know that I could not be this far from my family, to stretch lines of communication this far. Even more important is the fact that my heart groans and flutters thinking of my beloved in California. I have not held her in my arms since August, and I shall not be able to hold her again until May when I fly out to live with her for the summer. The groans of heartache combat with the flutter of knowing I will see her again very soon. My place is not is Scotland. My place is back in the United States in the arms of the woman I love, and within reasonable distance from my family so that communication is not so difficult. Number the days, for I am eager to return.

Reincarnation

I know that possibly a large number of you do not believe in reincarnation; you believe in an eternal paradise after death known as Heaven and a place of eternal torment known as Hell. For a moment believe that they do not exist. Believe that after you die, your immortal soul will be born again, with at least vague recollections of your former lives. If you still do not think such a concept is even plausible, consider the following: Today I rode a horse for the first time in my life. How did I know just what to do to get my mount to do what I wanted? How did I know how to best ride in a trot before the "lesson" at the site? I have not had any prior experience with horses, so for those of you that choose not to believe that in at least one of my past lives I rode a horse frequently, explain this strange coincidence.

Impromptu I

**Note: this poem is completely impromptu and without prior thought, so we'll see where it goes.** Fingers fly over plastic Squares sitting In silence undesired My mind wanders as I think about my other Self, far away from me. Like Elven feet my digits race Quickly over those that others Noisily hammer upon... ... ... A hum... a drumbeat upon the floor... The thumping of a human heart... Nature's rhythym released

Another Beginning

For those of you who like philosophical brain candy and fun little tidbits to ponder about in your free time: Life is a series of beginnings. This post is the beginning of another online blogging site for myself. At the dawning on the morrow, it will be the beginning of a new day. It is human nature to mark milestones, to say that one phase of life is over and another has begun. I quote a song when I say that "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." I do this to show that there never is an end, but merely an incorporation of the past into a new beginning. Even after reincarnation, with time and the desire to remember, the beginning of a new lifetime is nothing more than the incorporation of morals and ideals carried throughout the ages.